Blunt Sage

I, of course, am a complete sophisticate.

Both rico and suave, I can discuss Pliny’s contribution to vulcanology and the effects of Craftsman movement on modern architecture with equal aplomb. I know the difference between Stephen King and Stephen Hawking. I know that whiskey is spelled both with and without an “e”, and I know why. I can tell a woman “yes, those pants do make your ass look fat” and make it seem like a compliment.

It has taken me years to reach this level, but I know a great many of you need a short cut. Something that makes you seem sophisticated when you are in fact still a complete beer-addled lout. Something that will make you seem smart and attractive just long enough to get your hands up her shirt.

Your prayers have been answered.

» The Complete Guide to Faking Sophistication (via Double Viking)

Sigh…. Okay, some company called “Mercer Human Resources Consulting” has a top 50 list (yes, another list) of the world’s best cities for quality of living. From Mercer’s press release:

Scores are based on the quality and availability of hospital and medical supplies and levels of air pollution and infectious diseases. The efficiency of waste removal and sewage systems, water potability and the presence of harmful animals and insects are also taken into account.

Kinda weak standards for a ranking, don’t you think? I mean, they consider “the presence of harmful animals”, but not things like transportation, crime, weather, entertainment, food, oh, and the cost of living? Wha?

I guess based on their rankings you live in a city where you are regularly robbed, stranded in blinding snow and starving, and still be in one of the world’s most livable cities because there were no grizzly bears roaming the streets. A cage where your cedar shavings and water were changed everyday would rank #1 in “livability”. (Actually, now that I think about it, Zurich is a lot like that.)

Sure, lots of the cities on the list are nice cities, but they’re also friggin’ cold, wet, rainy, foggy, and incredibly expensive to boot.

Dumb…

» Mercer Human Resource Consulting Worldwide Quality of Living Survey 2007 Top 50

Not that I totally agree with the list, but it’s still a good list:

» Top 10 Action Hero One Liners

(Via The Cinemattic)

You know what the smart guys at PARC — where things like the computer mouse, ethernet, the PostScript printer language, the GUI, and oodles more stuff were born — like to talk about drinking?

Beer.

Yup. Beer.

And if you hurry, you can be part of a forum on March 22nd at PARC, where Charlie Bamforth, Ph.D., D.Sc., will talk about The Best Berevage in the World

From the forum description:

Brewing is the original biotechnology. For 6-8,000 years it has been a delight in the diet, resulting from a tremendously consistent process founded on intricate understanding of the underpinning science. It is an industry that informed all modern day fermentation processes. Beer looks good, it tastes good - and it does you good. This talk will explain all this and much more.

W00t! I wonder if they’ll be sampling too…

Those who’ve been around the Intertubes for a while know that the granddaddy of all the social networking / commentary sites is Slashdot — the geek Mecca where anything and everything a 43 year-old guy living in his mom’s basement (and that’s not me — my mother’s house doesn’t have a basement) might want to discuss.

99% of the time most of the discussions and comments are garbage (I know - many of them are mine), but occasionally you get a really good one. This morning someone over at Digg (aka: Slashdot for the under 24 set), posted what has to be one of the funniest Slashdot comments in a long, long time. (Even funnier because it’s all true.)

The ensuing Digg comment stream is rather entertaining as well.

Prince’s big “guitar” and “gay” candy commercial tops among people offended by everything

Did you know that the average IQ is 100?

Given that there’s guys like Stephen Hawking way out in the 200 point end of the pool, you know that there has to be a whole bunch of mouth breathers in the shallows to yank that average down to 100.

Interestingly, it seems a whole bunch of those measuring their IQs on one hand also have the ability to write (or know someone who can), because the FCC received a whole bunch of complaints regarding the Super Bowl broadcast — mostly centering around Prince’s halftime show and the Snickers commercial with the “kissing mechanics”.

Among the idiotic letters, one moron wrote that Prince is a HOMOSEXUAL (her emphasis, not mine), and that she would have preferred not having her four children watch his halftime show. Apparently there’s no “off” switch or other channels on the TV in her trailer.

But it gets better as she went on to complain:

One of (her spawn) has hoped to be a quarterback and now he will turn out gay. I am actually considering to check him for HIV. Thanks CBS for turning my son GAY.

Un-fricken-believable. Somebody needs to start rounding these people up and deporting them to Mars or Jupiter or something. All they’re doing here is breeding and venting methane into the atmosphere.

The Smoking Gun has a whole bunch of the complaints online. Witness the stupidity for yourself right here.

So why does the month of February have only 28 days? Well, according to Slate Magazine, it’s the Roman’s fault.

Oh and if you’re wondering why Easter’s date changes every year, it’s because Easter falls on the first Sunday following the first full moon after the Vernal (spring) Equinox.

Tell me that ain’t a holiday with pagan roots.

I’m not sure, but I think the folks over at WikiHow are just about out of useful tips. Today’s randomly selected “How To”:

How to get out of a car gracefully without showing your underwear

Naturally, I have a number of problems with this:

1. The “How To” is directed at women, completely ignoring the giant amount of butt crack forced upon us by teenage boys with saggy jeans disorder and grown men with fat gut disease.
2. Further, the post makes no distinction between good looking woman and ugly ones. (Note to good looking women: there is nothing unbecoming about flashing a little panty upon exit from the vehicle. Heck, class acts like Paris Hilton give everyone a peek at their BVDs all the time.)
3. The illustrative photos show a woman exiting an English (right hand drive) vehicle, which is fine for folks in the UK, Australia, Honk Kong, etc., but does no help for those desiring to exit a vehicle gracefully in the rest of the world.
4. Finally, the “How To” obviously assumes that you are sober and capable of making sure “your feet are firmly on the ground”. How about some help for the girl who’s maybe had a few appletinis? I mean, how is she supposed to dip her head and keep her knees together and all that when she’s facing real problems like determining whether she’s gone blind or if it’s just her skirt over her head?

Geez…

Every Saturday afternoon the Mrs. and I wander on over to the Lost Abbey Brewery in San Marcos, California — about 40 miles north of San Diego. This weekend was the first time their new Judgement Day was available for tasting. It’s not available in bottles yet, but they have kegged it, and I must say, it’s awesome.

It’s a big. bold Belgian style ale that’s both sweet and not at all cloying. I really enjoyed it — and I don’t even like Belgian style ales (to weird and fruity for me) &mdash I’m an American IPA guy. The Mrs. enjoyed it even more. And at 10.5% alcohol how could you not?

Masterbrewer (heh heh — he said “masterbrew”) Tomme Arthur is off to Belgium with several of his fellow brewers from Pizza Port to brew and drink (mostly drink I would venture) this week, but otherwise you’ll find him at the brewery hosting tastings every Friday and Saturday. (You’ll recognize him as the bald guy in the wife beater driving a forklift, labeling bottles, doing a little tank diving, and other materbrewing stuff.) If you’re ever in the neighborhood, make sure to drop on by.

Directions to Port Brewing / Lost Abbey

Tomme the Brewer’s Blog

Yeah, I hosed my site a couple of weeks back, but I finally got around to fixing it.

Just in time too, because I’m in a hell of a mood.

Prepare to fire…